Gray Clouds

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I feel like there is a gray cloud hovering over my soul. I have been deeply sad for a long time for reasons … well, I suppose there are reasons. There must be, right?

I know that this year didn’t unfold as expected. My son graduated – expected. He flailed about for a couple of months looking for work – expected. He found a volunteer position because I had no intention of having him couch surf until he found employment – unexpected.

He then landed an interview for a position in his field and was hired on the spot – absolutely unexpected. Cue suffocating feelings of foreboding. He was fired less than a week later – mostly expected but I thought it would take a month. I sent him back to his volunteer job, after making a phone call to be sure he’d be welcome back, only to have him fired from that two days later – crush my skull with a sledge hammer unexpected.

It should be noted that he is special needs. It should also be noted that I have spent the last 18 years doing everything in my power to be certain he would function as a productive member of society after graduation. Well, I fucked that up, didn’t I? Clearly.

What I can’t figure out is what else I could possibly have done. I sure as shit don’t know what to do now.

Aside from that, I have become severely disillusioned with my local community. The constant drama, gossip, and negativity have become too much to tolerate. I turned a blind eye for years because I needed a place to belong, to feel like those of us in the lifestyle aren’t complete freaks. That turned out to be bullshit. We are all freaks. No matter how many of us gather under one roof and pretend to be normal, we are still freaks. We can potentially lose our jobs, our children, our families if our true selves are exposed.

This thing that I do which affords me nearly all of my happiness makes me sick in the eyes of those who are “normal”. The place where I can regularly be who I am fully, is now so poisoned by crap that I don’t want anything to do with it.  This is compounded by my misjudgement of people within the lifestyle who I thought were good people but turned out not to be.

This year has caused me to question everything – how I have raised my child, how I live my life, my assessment of others, why I bother making an effort at all.

All questions. No answers. Three months left.

 

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