Thinking Out Loud

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So I’ve been thinking about the check box marked “Role” that members select when joining fet. I’ve been thinking about how I have changed mine to reflect the different stages of my development during my lifestyle journey.

Ages ago I joined as submissive. At that time I was looking for a break from making every single decision for every single person in my household. I desperately wanted to escape from my life. I wanted to disappear. I wanted a total lack of responsibility.

It turns out I sucked at being submissive. Not because I didn’t try. Not because I didn’t want to. Not because I was “playing” at being submissive. I was all in, all the time. I gradually gave up more and more control over the minutiae of my life. I still had a household to run but every minute of my time was spent in service in some way, so much so that I bore much more resemblance to slave than I did submissive. Though I never changed my fet role to slave, I felt that way.

People in my community held me up as some sort of role model, no matter how much I protested. It was very easy to believe, on the face of it, that I was the epitome of slavery. Outwardly, I looked like one and carried myself exactly as you would expect. Inwardly, I knew the truth. I knew my Sir was never happy. For whatever reason I failed to bring him joy. I simply could not serve him in the way that he needed no matter how much I wanted to. I failed utterly. We were both unhappy.

Sometime later, after much conversation with MP, and resisting the idea for several months, I tried topping. Much to my surprise causing others pain really worked for me. It was not sexual in any way but it was a whole lot of fun. Eventually, I changed my role to Dominant. It was the next logical step. As with most things in life, that’s not a good enough reason to do anything.

I discovered that I absolutely hate to discipline. (I have a teenager who more than fills my punishment quota. I’m fed up with it. I’ve had way too much of policing and micromanaging to want to do still more of it in my play time.) I know how dedicated I was as a submissive. Unfortunately for anyone who desires to serve me, I expect that level of dedication from them. I am absolutely not going to try to wrestle service from someone who claims to be submissive. Either they are going to do what I tell them to do or they are not. I’m not talking about the occasional forgotten command or mistake, I’m talking about habitually failing to perform with no (or nearly no) change in behavior with verbal correction. I resent the hell out of subs who can’t perform for shit when we’re apart but then expect to have happy fun time when we are together. I want to say to them “Tell me again what I’m getting out of this?”

I lead from a place of respect. I refuse to lead from a place of fear. If I could create a dream submissive to serve me, he would submit because he respected me, cared for me, and wanted me to be happy NOT because he thought I would beat the ever loving shit out of him if he disobeyed.

I have an established play partner whose key I hold. We have been play partners for a few years and I’ve been holding his key for a year(ish). He does an exceptional job fulfilling his requirements as a chastity boy but has issues with communication. He’s older and set in his ways. Anything he thinks I might perceive as negative, he keeps to himself. I have spent more than one night with him sitting beside me pouting, all the while insisting that nothing was wrong.

He desperately wants to be my submissive. He’s a really good man. I can’t say that enough. Incredibly respectful, cool to hang out with, an excellent hand servant at the dungeon, genuinely caring, and an all around nice guy. We entered into negotiations to allow him to express his needs, wants, and desires and so that I could assess his ability to meet my standards of communication. I spent about a month writing back and forth, discussing what he wanted.

During that month it became clear that he just doesn’t have to ability to express what he needs, no matter how many times I rephrase the question. I am not someone who will allow a submissive to say “I just want to serve you.” and let that be enough. It is quite possible that his communication will get better and then we can revisit negotiations.

So all of this combined with dismissing from consideration the man who wanted to be my slave, well … where does that leave me? I’m absolutely not a dominant. I cannot be as I do not have a submissive. The people I play with are play partners – be they frequent or one-offs, they are still just play partners. During negotiations we talk about what they will or will not tolerate during play and then I do the things they accept. That’s not dominance, that’s service topping.

Which brings me back to that fucking checkbox on fet. I don’t have the energy to dominate anyone right now. My home life is sapping every last speck of my energy. What I really want – hell, what I really need, is someone to bring me food and alcohol between massages, warm baths, and napping. Where’s the checkbox for that?

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