Are ya freaking kidding me?




I saw the little gem below on one of the Fet forums. I sat for a few minutes, mouth open, shaking my head.


How exactly does admitting that you don’t know something make you look weak? Seriously. What is wrong with people?

“Is it OK to tell my sub I’m not sure exactly what he wants … ?”

Are you kidding me??? Of course it’s “okay”! Not only is it okay, it’s exactly what you should be doing! Communication, people. Asking what your sub wants does not make you “weak” or less dominant. It makes you informed. It makes you interested. It makes you communicative. It makes you effective.

If you don’t know what they want, or expect, how exactly are you supposed to deny those things? How are you supposed to set up a reward system? Are you supposed to guess? Or is this one of those things that dominants are supposed to intuitively know because they are The Domliest Dom that Ever Dommed? Being a dominant does not make you an all knowing god.

Do you want your sub to tell you when they don’t know/understand what you want? Well, of course you do. Do you want your sub to tell you they don’t know how to do something you’ve asked? Yes, you do. How are they going to feel comfortable asking if you don’t set an example for them?

One of my boys purchased a toy and asked, during negotiation, if I might use it in our play session. I told him flat out “I’ve never used that toy. I can try it if you are comfortable being a guinea pig for me.” I told him there was potential for blood (a hard limit for us both). I told him I might hit him somewhere he didn’t want me to because I had no experience aiming this particular toy.

That is what RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) is all about. I informed him of the risks. I gave him the option to consent, or not, based on his knowledge of my inexperience with the item. He opted in and we had fun with it. We were lucky. It could just as easily have gone the other way. Had it gone badly, the onus would have rested with both of us as we had gone into it with eyes wide open.

Given the example that prompted this post, I have to believe there are tops/dominants who would have said to themselves “Well, if he wants me to use that, I’m sure as hell not going to look stupid or weak by telling him I don’t know how to throw it. What’s the worst that could happen?” No. Just … no.

What we do is dangerous, people! All parties involved deserve to have all available information in order to make an informed decision. Hurt is the objective, not harm. If you keep your inexperience to yourself because you don’t want to look weak or uninformed you are setting both you and your partner up for harm. Please, please, check your ego at the door.




  1. dave94015 · January 10

    Reblogged this on dave94015 and commented:
    How a dominant who doesn’t know how to use a toy shouldn’t pretend they do, but ask. An example of #RACK in #bdsm .

    Liked by 1 person

  2. dave94015 · January 10

    It’s hard to keep up with all the innovative roles, toys & games in bdsm. I wouldn’t think badly about a dominant who asked me how to do something in a kink session. Good example of RACK.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. thesecretaspieblog · January 10

    Totally agree with you. It’s not about appearing weak or ignorant but about total communication and transparency. If you do not know something or have not done something before but are willing to try then of course your partner is going to appreciate that honesty. Not everyone is going to have the same experience level or knowledge. But it’s the journey you are willing to take together, the experiences you have with each other.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. theoldgymrat · January 11

    Admitting your ignorance about something is not weakness, it is the first step to wisdom.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Brigit Delaney · January 14

    Communication is key in every relationship and from every level. I totally agree.

    Liked by 1 person

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